or… experiencing everything everywhere all at once. The nights when I don’t sleep are becoming more frequent and since the temperatures now allow it, it is not uncommon for me to find myself sitting on the riverbank at non-human hours.
This night was one of those nights and after unsuccessfully trying to skip stones across the water I realised that somehow the last few months have been really a lot… but at the same time there is always something. No matter if it’s work, family, friends, the community, the club or simply feelings… People kept me on my toes. Especially people I like or even „love.“ Love in inverted commas because I’m still convinced that love is a concept whose existence I enjoy very much, but in parallel, I don’t yet trust it completely. Sounds cryptic, it is. Perhaps my attitude will become more understandable after the next paragraph.
I grew up in a family that loved me very much. It’s just that my parents weren’t particularly kind to themselves or to each other. It was no different with my closer and more distant circle of friends. There was always a basic amount of bitterness hanging in the air. An old family proverb said: Ethics and romance are two things you have to be able to afford.
I am well aware of the irony of someone with this background choosing polyamory. But perhaps my decision at the time was simply the logical product of my childhood to adolescence. Whatever the case, I tried to use the time on the river to sort out my near future, weigh things up, (not) make decisions, practice self-reflection and ponder endlessly.
I quickly discovered that my usual rationality no longer worked. Neither my feelings nor my perceived reality could be put into a logical chain or sorted into an imaginary cabinet system. Instead, jealousy turned up the stressful thoughts, sadness just flirted with joy, anger mimicked the bouncer and had it not been for defiance, I would have had a bad day.
After a while, I had laid the emotional storm to rest and the headwork of unpleasant emotions had dissolved. The question for me now was, would it help other people if I wrote about it? But how and about what exactly?
That I am very aware of the contradiction between „fear of commitment“ and „fear of being left out“? And still, feel it? That I feel bad that I get jealous, but my anchor partner doesn’t? Whether I am there enough? Whether I am not there enough? That I know that in theory, I could talk to everyone about everything, but of course, I still don’t because I’m too proud. That stability is merely a concept, does not exist in reality and we should therefore say goodbye to the idea of absolute (partner) security?
Regarding self-help and relationship advice, much more experienced people have already written far more helpful tips than I could ever come up with. I could write about all the happy moments, the moments when you feel like time stands still and you could fight the world alone as a threesome. But in the end, it all seems somehow too short-sighted for the diversity that polyamory or even non-monogamy can be. Which is why it didn’t become one of the options…. well almost. On my way home I created a list with my personal favourite 50 shades of being polyamorous:
queer; surprising; kinky; full of potential; platonic; romantic; sexual; disabled; hidden; bonding; precious; honest; fulfilled; wholesome; entrancing; TEXT ME THE FUCK BACK!; deep; lots of talking; tons of compromising; uplifting; sharing problems; messing up your sleep schedule; we need another chair; confusing; healing; I don’t want to leave yet; so many holiday celebrations; fiery; sticky glitter; WE RULE!; squishy; hopeful; magical; cute; distractable; cozy; fragile; grounding; charming; boundless; bright; mischievous; Where is MY cup?!; artistic; swarm intelligence; superb; old-school; exciting and three raccoons in a trench coat.