… or with other words: Welcome to another butchered book review. What were you expecting? But trust me, it is well-invested time.
What is Come As You Are about?
The shortest version I can come up with would be: this book explains the science behind (good) sex. A more elaborate version would be: this book gives you tools to improve your sex life by explaining the psychology behind the sexual part of your brain in a more pop cultural manner and since this is a challenging task Nagoski divided her book into nine chapters. Each one of them deals with a possible problem that more often turns people’s sexual or romantic lives upside down. Here is a broad overview:
Chapter 1 – Biological homology of our genitalia
Chapter 2 – The Brakes and Accelerator System
Chapter 3 – Liking, wanting and learning
Chapter 4 – Complete your stress cycle!
Chapter 5 – Living a sex-positive life in a sex-negative society
Chapter 6 – Arousal non concordance
Chapter 7 – Spontaneous desire and responsive desire
Chapter 8 – Orgasms and how to
Chapter 9 – Sex-positive context
Since I got the most out of chapters 1–4 and chapters 6–7, I will focus on these. But before we get to the actual meat, a bit more about the foundation of my post.
In addition to the scientific theory Nagoski created four women that are “composites, integrating the real stories of the many women I’ve taught, talked with, emailed, and supported in my two decades as a sex educator” (p. 7). Each of them has at least one conflict in their sex life to grapple with, which the book also talks about. They serve as very detailed examples of how to deal with different sexual needs and desires while being and wanting to maintain an established relationship. I personally find the latter important to emphasize, because the author presupposes for her examples partners, who respect each other, can communicate, and love each other. Maybe it is too obvious, but the best therapist in the world can do nothing if a person is not cooperating. Here a short overview:
- Olivia and Patrick – Olivia gets aroused very fast if she is stressed out by something even more. Her boyfriend Patrick is the exact opposite. Since his libido decreases with stress, they ended up with the problem of a so-called “chasing dynamic” (p. 235).
- Camilla and Henry – Camilla used to be very sensitive to sexual cues and stimuli. After years of marriage, her sensitivity changed and is now much more robust. So robust to the point that she gets annoyed when she tries to make dinner and Henry tries to kiss her…
- Merritt and Carol – Merrit doesn’t trust her own body. She wants sex, but she doesn’t, but she does. Merrit wants to enjoy sex again for herself.
- Laurie and Jonny – Married couple, lovely son, everything could be so perfect if it weren’t for Laurie’s stressful life and body issues that kill her lust. Laurie doesn’t know what else to do and Jonny just wants to help.
For the record: I got the English version from 2015, I don’t know what has changed from the version that came out in 2021. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find out either, because all the reading samples or other platforms through which one could get books didn’t show what I needed. Although it is nice that the book got completely translated into German, the German translation of the title is way less catchy then the English one and also misleading, so I want directly reference it here.
Another point that I wanted to talk is, that this book deals at least in this version with cis bodies and cis gendered people. Intersex people are touched upon as a topic, but it is mainly tailored to the sexuality and sexual problems of cis women. Nevertheless, it worked for me, because I think the core theses are transferable to any gender or body. Furthermore, women’s bodies are already neglected in sex education, and this disadvantages not only women but also men. When two people are overwhelmed with a situation, it never turns out well, even worse when neither of them knows a solution because no one ever taught them. Therefore, dear cis men, this post is also for you.
What did I exactly learn?
Since my sex education in school was acceptable. I knew at least the basics of the basics of safe sex, hormone cycle of a cis woman’s body and anatomy of bodies (even intersex ones). What we didn’t talk about was how much we were still missing on every side of the spectrum. I’m probably not the only one, which is why there is a kind of master post here.
Chapter 1 – Biological Homology of our genitalia
- Let’s start with a bit of simple (devastating) etymology. Back in ancient times Aristotle wrote his “Masterpiece”, which later got translated into Latin and from then on doctors and physicians used it as a scholarly text. In those ones, the external genitalia of cis women is called “pudendum”. It comes from the verb “pudere”, which translated to “to make ashamed” (p. 16–17). Lovely right? If you interpret it further, to make sense of it all “pudendum” means “from the shamefacedness that is in women to have them seen” (p. 17). The best part is that “pudendum” is still a daily used term within the medical sector.
- The next thing that I learned, was that the distance between the clitoris and the urethra predicts how reliably orgasmic a cis woman is during penis-in-vagina intercourse… Now I am asking myself: What is the percentage of cis women who have exactly this distance? I don’t know, the book doesn’t mention it and honestly, I don’t think the percentage is particularly large. Besides, I would have liked to learn that in the anatomy section of our sex education. Even the two seminars that were organized by external organizations didn’t say a word about it.
- The same applies to the issue of the homology of our primary sexual organs. I remember how, during a break at school, a friend told me that embryos did not have distinct sex organs until the sixth week and that boys and girls, therefore, had the same genitals. For me at the time, this was a rather weird, but somewhere logical reality. Especially since her mother was the only surgical assistant I knew and was therefore a thousand times more qualified than me. The actual scientific explanation is of course a bit more complex, but I enjoyed reading it nonetheless:
To begin with, what are „homologues“? Answer: “Homologues are traits that have the same biological origin, though they may have different functions. Each part of the external genitalia has a homologue in the other sex. (p. 20)” The simplest example would be fraternal twins, one has XX chromosomes and the other XY. After the hormones have been released, the embryo with the XY chromosomes develops the penis, testicles and scrotum. On the other hand, the embryo with XX chromosomes does not react to these hormones and the genitalia remain clitoris and labia.
During (vanilla) intercourse, either the clitoris or the penis are often stimulated, simply because they are THE pleasure organs par excellence. Labia and scrotum, on the other hand, are almost boring, they only get hairy if you don’t shave them. Which can be a plus or a minus, depending on your taste. In contrast, nipples are more exciting again… Nobody is surprised by the fact, that most cis women are able to breastfeed… what most people don’t know trans women are also able to do that!
Chapter 2 – The brakes and accelerator system
- The second chapter was one of my favorites, mainly because it was completely new and above all useful knowledge. At the same time, I facepalmed myself a little while reading it, because neuroscience had never been my strong suit and reading about it in English didn’t simplify the subject. Well, we all grow with our tasks… and because it is so incredibly interesting what happens in the brain when we are (not) getting aroused, here is my summary of the “dual control model of sex”. It consists out of two parts:
The first part is the sexual excitation system (SE) and the second part is the sexual inhibition system (SI). The sexual excitation system is our fiber optic cable for sexual response. It unconsciously scans our environment for reasons why getting aroused immediately is a good idea. Those reasons are often sensory stimuli, but can also be thoughts or feelings. It catalyses and indicates the premise of how quickly and how much we can potentially be aroused.
The sexual inhibition system does the exact opposite, it is looking for potential threats or reasons why you shouldn’t be aroused. Two different brake units are responsible for this. The first checks incoming sensory impressions for negative consequences. How confidential does the potential sexual partner seem? Are condoms or licking cloths within reach? Is body hygiene correct? etc. If one of the questions is answered in the negative, the plug is pulled and neither the body nor the brain has a chance to become aroused.
The second unit of breaks acts more like a very slow internet connection or an overloaded server. Everyone knows the situation, you want to stream a film in the evening, but of course you are not the only person, and it takes forever to load. In other words, one will eventually get aroused, but it takes incredibly long. Why? According to Nagoski the second unit of breaks gets pulled if the individual is distressed by the actions in this exact moment. This includes, above all, the entire area of „performance pressure“: Premature ejaculation, no able to orgasm, poor body image. The possibilities of feeling sexual inadequate are endless…
The big secret behind healthy sexual functioning is finding the balance for all three units: the one accelerator and the two breaks. In other world stimulate the accelerator hard and try not to trigger the breaks, which is a lot harder than it sounds in theory. It gets even harder, because everybody is different, so everyone must find out for themselves what they need and how much. The needs of the sexual system can change throughout life, but all in all the tendency remains the same.
What does it mean to have a sensitive accelerator and hardly any breaks you may ask yourself? Well, if one is not aware of how their body is working, these people are more likely to engage more often in risky sexual acts. Having sensitive breaks and a very stubborn accelerator does the opposite. These people are likely to have issues with low desire or difficulties getting aroused. Regardless of how much and how strong the stimuli now have to be for you personally to get in the mood, mental health also has a say in the end.
With the help of questionnaires, two studies (Lykins et al. 2010 and Janssen et al. 2012) showed that 50.5 % of cis women, who were in a depressed mood experienced a decrease in their libido, 9.5 % increase and 40 % no change. 34 % of women in an anxious state reported a decrease in their libido 23 % an increase and 43 % no change. Cis men were less affected by their mental health regarding their libido, if depressed 35 % stated a decrease, 10 % an increase, and 55 % no change. If anxious 17 % of them felt a decrease, 25 % an increase, and 58 % no change (p. 329).
- What about people, who rarely or don’t experience sexual attraction at all? For a few words about asexuality, I had to flip through the book, but at the end, I found an insightful footnote. Asexual people may have a very resistant accelerator, which means that asexual people tend not to notice sexual stimuli in the first place. Unfortunately, research does not yet know more, as there are still very few studies on this topic.