Two weeks ago we had Part I, now here is part two!
Chapter 3 – Like, wanting and learning
During chapter two I got the impression that getting or being sexually aroused is based on a wibbly wobbly homeostasis of feelings and circumstances. Nagoski calls this: Context.
It is not very likely that one is getting aroused while repairing a leak under a sink. It is much more likely to get into a sexy mood while being kissed and cuddled by a partner (or partners) you trust or care about. Maybe I’m wrong about this, but even hardcore kinky people will prefer doing a scene with someone who knows their boundaries and proved as trustworthy in the past than with a complete newbie in the local scene. How does context come into being? On the one hand, through trial and error, and on the other hand, through the three components: Liking, wanting and learning. Nagoski also calls it “one ring to rule them all” (p. 82–88). So, how does it work?
Liking: If the brain receives a new stimulus, it will ask a thousand of questions. Does this count as a threat? Is that enjoyable? Do I want to have more or less of it? As the designation „liking“ gives it away, it is all about the good things in new stimuli. As soon as something turns out bad, it shuts down or activates the fight, flight or freeze cycle.
The next step consists of “learning”. it is actually “about what should come next” (p. 83). Nagoski differentiates between implicit and explicit learning. Explicit learning is if we learn a new (hard) skill for example driving a bicycle, embroidery, or flogging. Implicit learning is more about soft skills. Recognizing emotional and erotic cues that prepare you for what should come next. What you find erotic or pleasurable is (was) also the responsibility of „learning“.
“Wanting” is what Nagoski calls “fuel” (p. 83–84). It enables one to move towards an enjoyable stimulus or it can trigger the flight, fight, freeze, or fawn mode. It is also possible to like things without wanting more or to want something even without liking it. I am sure most masochists will agree at this point (at least I do to a certain extent).
Chapter 4 – Complete the stress cycle
Both chapter 2 and 3 focused on external influences, but what to do when your emotions or thoughts don’t go the way you want them to? Take me for example, if I am stressed out from work or just from having a bad day I am usually not up for sexy times. At least not immediately… it takes some time and moreover work to get me or myself out of the fight-flight-freeze or fawn mode and into relaxation. If I don’t do the work, I get stuck physically and mentally. The symptoms are varied and all unpleasant: poor sleep, brain fog, intrusive thoughts, bad memory… it continues with irritability, indifference, and finally hopelessness. In short, my depression gets much worse.
In the past, I have noticed that massages are often the right way for me to relax and therefore to get out of the tension… Yoga, exercise, a warm shower, or cuddling are also very good options, as is telling me about the day with all the potential pitfalls I might have run into. Both my body and my brain relax and realize: Hey, we are safe now! There is no more threat left that could possibly harm us. In the best case, this leads to my sexual excitation system (SE) responding and my sexual inhibition system (SI) shutting down. Guide or later this leads to the „great context“ and I am able to enjoy hugs and kisses again. If no one is around I will just collapse on my bed and fall asleep, which is also a great context because my body and brain also get to relax… just differently.
Does Kink work in a similar way? As far as I am informed a lot of kinky people describe BDSM as therapeutic. That doesn’t mean that kink is able to replace therapy, but it seems to be a solid substitution. Which makes sense when you think about it. One of the „basic mechanisms“ of BDSM is first to create a safe environment, then to create tension(s) and finally to release them… I think a social environment in which at least the importance of communication is perceived has a great advantage. If boundaries and triggers are communicated, it could be much easier for the affected person to find healthier ways to deal with their issues.
Chapter 6 – Arousal Nonconcordance
Arousal Nonconcordance or „why significant others should definitely talk to each other“, but again let’s start from the beginning. Arousal Nonconcordance is one of those things that exist as a theory for far longer than people outside of Sexology would expect. Which I personally don’t understand, because it is an important scientific explanation. It refers to the fact that for some people their genital response doesn’t match their arousal.
The first studies documenting this fact date back to the late seventies and early eighties. The two studies that Nagoski is referring you can find here (Suschinsky et al.) and here (Bradford and Meston).
In the first, homo- and heterosexual men and fully-medical transitioned trans women watched a varied selection of pornographic material, during which their genital responses were measured as well as „subjective arousal“ (p. 191). The result: only 50 % of the physical arousals actually made men feel aroused. For cis women (homo- and heterosexual), it was only 10 %. Looking at the big picture, this is not necessarily a large percentage for either gender. Fortunately, there is at least one solution for every „arousal mismatch“. If the partner doesn’t feel like having sex, then you don’t. If your partner wants to have sex, but your body refuses to play along, try a massage, cuddling naked (build up the excitement) or using lubricant.
As a conclusion to this chapter, I would have liked this statement to have become much more prominent much earlier. There are many reports from sexual abuse survivors that their rapists thought they enjoyed the abuse because either the vagina became wet, or the penis became stiff. Which sooner or later becomes a nasty thinking trap. You didn’t want it, you didn’t enjoy it, but apparently, you did, otherwise your body would have clearly signaled that it didn’t want it either.
Chapter 7 – desire/responsive desire
- Let’s do a short repetition of chapter two:
- The accelerator (sexual excitation system [SE]) and the first units of breaks (of your sexual inhibition system [SI]) scan the environment for stimuli why (not) to be aroused
- Some accelerators are more stubborn than others. The solution for getting them going is creating the right context.
People whose pleasure depends on the right context have a “responsive desire”. Even more, they are getting turned on while foreplay is already happening. People whose pleasure is suddenly there, even though they are just walking across the street is called “spontaneous desire”. Both desires are again context-dependent and linked to the brakes and accelerator system. None of them is wrong or abnormal and if someone lacks desire, you should sit down and talk about the changes that you could do so that everyone involved is happy again and wants to have sex, be kinky or do other kinds of activities. Since Nagoski defines desire as “pleasure in context” (p. 221) I think you can apply the principle of sitting down and talking, when one has the feeling that they are missing something on all topics.
- The last (very) important thing that I learned, and never thought about before that what we know as “sex drive” isn’t a drive. Although, lifestyle magazines and some corners of the internet love talking, about how important sex is for the body and soul nobody ever died of having no sex. There are many people in this world that rarely or never had sex in their lives for very different reasons. To name a few: Discrimination, asexuality, sex repulsion, celibacy or medical conditions. Instead, people died because of starvation or because they were lonely. But sex and loneliness are two entirely different things, consequently, I would suggest replacing the „sex is important“ with „emotional intimacy, understanding, care, security“.
What did I like?
- Of course, the information in this book. Especially Nagoski really does a broad overview of every potential problem that people have to deal with and no one talks about. Let’s be real since 2017 the topics of sexuality and gender entered the mainstream discourse. What is more fascinating, is that although magazines are reporting and talking about queerness, a lot of sexualities, kinks or new relationship models fewer people write about actual (queer) sex.
- Also, the author gets a lot of plus points for adding a whole appendix with footnotes, notes, literature references, and even more scientific studies.
- The last point is not really a criticism, although maybe a little? If you read the book, it’s very binary, you should be prepared for that. Personally, at some point I started to rearrange sentences for myself in my head. It worked surprisingly well.
What did I dislike?
- Nagoski loves metaphors and uses them (too) much. While her example of brakes and accelerator pedals was still useful for the Accelerator and Brake System, others quickly became annoying. I don’t need the third interpretation of my body as a shower or a garden, nor do I need the longer paragraphs created by these superfluous metaphors.