The earliest encounter with the BDSM community that I can remember was my first CSD. I was somewhere between seven and twelve years old, and my mother and I were standing in one of the city centre drugstores that weekend. Outside, a sea of colours, people, glitter and noise was raging; inside me, the first signs of exhaustion and sensory overload were stirring. Until I noticed the man in front of us in the queue. I never saw his face, but I didn’t have to, his black leather trousers, the back of which was missing, was interesting enough to keep me occupied for a long time. Later, I pestered my mother with questions such as, „Why don’t people wear trousers like that more often, they’re so much more practical in the summer heat?“ Unfortunately, I can’t remember her answer….
What I can remember instead are my teenage years and how incredibly out of place I felt. Not because I was the kinkster of the school, but just the opposite. Even the late bloomers in my class were interested in either the same or the opposite sex by the senior high school year at the latest, talking about sex or „ironically“ talking about porn. I didn’t understand any of it, neither emotionally nor cognitively, and even when 50 Shades of Grey made its way into our schoolyard, I just shrugged my shoulders. This didn’t change when I found myself in my first relationship.
The relationship I had at that time with sex, BDSM, kink or love was like all the other topics that involved people. They were „interesting“ and my definition of „interesting“ at the time could be described with the following metaphor:
Imagine you are a scientist and you want to invent something new. You euphorically observe the bacterial strain that is multiplying magnificently according to plan and which you adore, because your future partly depends on it… But at the same time you are very happy that the bacteria are in the petri dish and not, for example, in your refrigerator at home.
Simply put, people and their emotions yes, but please not in my most intimate environment. The status changed abruptly last summer. It was there that my body decided that now was the time to make up for all the lost time. „Relationships, love, sex and BDSM“ were now less interesting and more „Heall yeah, let’s try everything all at once“. It wasn’t eight weeks before I signed up to the biggest social network for kinky people and it wasn’t another 24 hours before I was asking myself: What the hell are you doing here? And much more, what do you actually want and hope to get out of this?
The situation didn’t get any better when I discovered that the website offered the possibility to list one’s own „Kinks“. My lovebug had already done that and my ego had nothing better to do than to think to itself: „What he can do, I can do for a long time.“ Today, I can answer the reality with a resounding yes-no, because there are two differences between me and my lovebug to this day: firstly, he had more experience than I did, and secondly, he had a precise idea of what he wanted and what he hoped to get out of Kink. I, on the other hand, was still lost.
Fortunately, the social network was programmed to provide me with a list of „fetishes“ or „kinks“. So I didn’t have to put together an elaborate soundboard to find out what could be possible. Nevertheless, it took several days until I was satisfied with the result. Months later, I found out that my list didn’t seem to meet the expectations of others. It shouldn’t have surprised me, but one thing I think, another thing I feel. Why are people surprised by me? During the evening, I reflected consciously for the first time on what and why I had stated the things I had stated. I already had easier tasks in my life. One of the reasons I’m writing this post now, because maybe there are people out there who are as weird as me and have no idea about kink, expectations or have never dealt with their own desires/preferences before.
Have fun!
The first thing I did back when I was sitting in front of my Kink profile was google. The Urban Dictionary was as insightful as ever and offered me the following definitions:
„Kink: Also known as a fetish or turn-on, it will make you very horny and very happy if used right.“
or
„Kink: A sexual pleasure/fantasy or non-sexual form of euphoria such as love and support„.
Despite my lack of practical experience, I concentrated on a „turn-on, it will make you very horny and very happy if used right“. I started scrolling down the list and quickly realised that it was sorted by popularity or „number of people interested“. Quite high up I found three to four things that I had both tried and enjoyed very much. A good start and a good basis. But my ego wasn’t satisfied with that yet, because if I’m honest, I’m far too eccentric for that to be enough for me already.
So I turned to the second part, the „non-sexual form of euphoria“. To be fair, „non-sexual“ doesn’t quite apply. I often chose things that already excite my brain as a concept, idea or fantasy in a way that increases the likelihood that the desired bodily reaction will be made possible in the first place. For example, erotic photography, erotic stories and certain (clothing) materials fall into this category.
In addition, there are also things where I think to myself that’s dangerous, that’s not sexy and that’s exactly why I want to try that, that looks incredibly exciting! Fitting examples here would be hook suspension or fire play. Both of these I now see as long-term projects because, for one thing, teachers for fire Play are rather scarce and, for another, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to build up the pain tolerance for hook suspension.
At the same time, I have found that many of my kinks work through the visual component. What attracts me to needle play is not the pain, but the pretty pattern of what may be stung. The same goes for tattoos, if I could I would happily skip the pain. Pain is not something I necessarily enjoy, but if I have to, I can endure it to look prettier later or to take home a pretty photo.
You see, the list grew and grew and it continues to change. Nevertheless, I will be very proud of my first four reflected kink motivations for some time to come. Like, please actual sex practices, primer that works with imagination, thrill and actual aesthetics is a pretty solid start. I think that would be my conclusion for today. Surprise people, be strange, be unconventional, that’s a big part of the kink world.