Let me start the reflection with a rant. I had very little to do with Strap On Sex up to this point. It was one of those things that was shouted across the schoolyard when certain boys felt they had to prove themselves to everyone. The consequences were either eye-rolling or detention, depending on who was listening. The only ones who learned anything from this were the baby queers, who could now roughly judge how homophobic or bisexual their own classmates were.
Years later, I learned that there are two terms for strap-on sex. One is the one I just mentioned, and the other is the word „pegging“. Which apparently refers to the specific description of anal sex by a straight couple, where the woman wears the strap on dildo.
To this day, I only cognitively understand why an extra word was invented for straight couples to describe almost the same sexual practices as strap on or anal sex, but the former was probably too queer and anal sex considered too gay for the 20th century. Sometimes I wonder why queer people are always accused of wanting a special treatment… Yes, queers invent new words, but first we invent new words because they didn’t exist beforehand and second of all we don’t steal from others and reclaimed as something that queers invented.
What did we need?
A strap on, dildo with a flare, lube, a partner or partners, patience, a positive mental attitude, curiosity, muscle strength, endurance and lots of towels.
Since I just wanted to try it and maybe go further practicing, I didn’t invest in a luxury item. The basic strap on made of fabric does a good job so far. The same goes for the dildo, nothing spectacular here just a plain silicone dildo without any bullet vibe, artificial cum, girth or other amenities.
What did we go for?
Honestly, just having a good time. I don’t mix first times.
What did we do before?
My significant other cleaned out, and I tried to get into the mood. Which was even more difficult than usual this time. I’m someone who rarely relaxes, or relaxes very slowly, and when there’s another ‚first time‘ ahead of me, it looks particularly bad. I thought about candles, but that seemed a bit too cheesy, and the dimmed light was perfectly sufficient for me. What came next was foreplay, which at least relaxed my partner and brought me back to reality and reminded me of my goal: „having a good time.“ Even my body started to have feelings, especially when the own partner starts to worship, lick, suck, and deep throat your cock in every way possible.
At this point my gender confusion went through the roof and closing my eyes to just concentrate on the sensation wasn’t really an option, because then I would have had to break eye contact with the sweet doggy eyes that were looking at me from below. At some point the positions changed, and he was lying on his back, and I was sitting between his legs. All I will say is, that already fingering someone feels awesome, and now I know why dildos for the anus should always have a flair. I would not have thought it, but it really is a sucking motion. Although I still don’t know why because its primary function is still getting things out of the body…
We did it!
As a big side note: Yes, communication should always be the key to every relationship and social interaction in our lives, but sometimes you really have to think about even the smallest thing. For example, turning one of your fingers, while trying to stretch your partner. According to his reaction, it wasn’t the smartest idea to just do it. Worse, turning it right back without any announcement instead of pulling it out.
Despite that small incident, we both enjoyed it. It wasn’t the hot panting, moaning, deep thrusting that you see in porn. It was much more of a genuine and exciting how do we figure things out? Where are the legs going? Which position is most sustainable for my spaghetti arms? What’s the best way to get the thrusting motion, right? Lots of questions that probably will get settled over time and more practice.
Thoughts about the gender fuckery
Putting the strap-on on was weird. My brain couldn’t deal with the fact that suddenly my genitalia changed without any warning or transition. Excitement, amazement, confusion and then panic. Not due to the physicality of having a dick, but because of the implications.
Let me explain… as a bad copy of a trans man that is still halfway in the closet, I was raised as a girl. Unfortunately, the societal narrative for girls, young women and grown ass adults: Men aren’t safe. Of course, that’s not true, but at the same time, most of the media even today fails to present positive masculinity or teaching men to actual feel feelings. They also fail to deconstruct these expectations of “BEING A MAN”. Some of them even continue to serve the perfect breeding ground for stoic men that who one day need a nervous breakdown, only to realize that they no longer want to and can live their previous lives. Men are also suffering, but while they are suffering most of them still have more power than women and other marginalized genders and there is no symbol on earth that is as associated with male power as is the penis (I really wish the voice of trans people would be more present, but we are getting there…)
Having one opened a little window for me into the world of power and the feeling of being able to do anything… even if the moment lasted only seconds, it scared the shit out of me. I hate the feeling of having power, and by that I don’t mean that I can’t take responsibility. I enjoy planning, managing and making decisions. Furthermore, I just don’t want to have it all, especially if it includes other individuals. There are individuals, who want to be taken care of, who want to be dominated/owned/handled etc. This blog is (also) a documentation of my process of becoming more dominant. Clusterfuck aside, I now realize why some cis male teenagers love taking bad photos of their penises. Complete overconfidence in their appearance, character and photographic skills.
Thoughts about the physicality
Getting my dick sucked and then fucking someone with it was an interesting, sensational experience. The strap-on gives me the feeling of having a dick and gives me the required control of navigating it, but of course it doesn’t have nerves. Which leads to disconnection between my optical nerve and my brain. While my eyes were screaming “arousing!” my brain ran against a wall. The only feeling that I had was the joy of gender fuckery (after I overcame the seconds of panic) and the satisfaction of finally being a bit more active than usual. It got even better at the second time because we changed positions: from arm strain to more strain on the legs and torso.
Last but not least, the lube question. Lube preferences are like bra preferences, everybody has their own favorite lube and all I can say, the one that we used was incredibly thick and sticky. Which is great for the purpose, and it did an excellent job, I also know now why people sometimes prefer thinner plant or oil-based lubes or grease. I think, I could be one of them… especially the plant-based ones sound tempting, because I really hate having oily or sticky fingers.
The final round-up:
All in all, I would say: more strap-on sex for everyone! Especially because of its versatility, you can change the dick, the strap on, it is accessible for all genders, and it also provides nice opportunities within kink. Being locked in a chastity cage and have to fuck the own partner with a strap-on, nice idea. The only things I would complain about would be:
First, if you want to have cum, you will have to pay for it. I was surprised how expensive fluids can be…
Second, I didn’t really come up with a sexy way of putting the strap-on one, maybe there is one? At the moment, there are still a few seconds of feeling stuck in a phone loop for both of us. Hard packing could be an option, but it seems rather inconvenient.
Third, the clean-up. Yes, it’s also more of a general thing, but what shall I say…. I really hate sticky fingers…
Fourth, with everything you have to practice, practice and practice and be patient. All things I’m terrible at, but what don’t you do for yourself (and your partner[s]).