“Do you want to hear the newest tea?”, he turned excitedly towards me.
I nodded. I wasn’t so much interest in the newest tea, but very eager to get a break from a long and emotional talk about feelings, missed opportunities, bad communication and a lost future.
“So, we were at this party and a lot of people got rejected by the bouncer”, he started, “one of the main reasons was that people wear ‘too much fabric’.”
I frowned, “A bit of a weird flex… was the organizers otherwise responsible for swingers parties?”
In response to his questioning look, I diplomatically added, “they tend to be more conservative.”
In reality, I had decided only days before not to set foot in a swingers club in the near future. Too conservative, too straight, too cis male-dominated, in short, a room with too many double standards.
“No, not really, they organize mostly sex parties with a kinky twist… But it gets so much worse,” he answered. “In the aftermath, a lot of people complained and the organization team argued that if people weren’t sure about their outfit, they should just bring a second one.
I raised an eyebrow.
“Right? First, which second outfit? And second, where are people supposed to change?!”
I nodded affirmatively. I had once been alone in the club’s changing rooms and even then, I had had the impression that the space was far too small for several hundred people.
“That wasn’t even the end.”, he continued, “In addition, they offered that if you were unsure, you could send a photo of your outfit to an anonymous email address.
Guess that is a classic example of how to fuck up as an organization. You want to host a sex party for a lot of people but aren’t considering that those people also want to feel safe and on different levels. Moreover, they also wanted to make absolutely no effort or compromise to make people feel safe.
“Well, at least I know now which parties I won’t attend in the future until they make some attempts to reconsider their ethics and practices. Despite that, I agree which second outfit?! I don’t even really have one…”
Although our conversation turned back to other topics shortly afterwards, the story left a lasting impression on me. Apparently, there was a group of people out there who owned several outfits for sex or kink parties. More than that, they took it for granted and then there were people like me who continued to search more or less desperately. What were the differences?
Clothing or fashion can influence our self-image or the image of others, it can highlight or conceal certain physical features and depending on the form or material, it changes how we perceive, move or feel in our bodies. Actually, these are all very important aspects that, at least in my opinion, are not talked about enough. Personally, I have only heard discussions about „kink fashion“ either through dress codes for special parties or in the D/S area when it was about symbols of a dom-sub relationship. All in all, maybe a topic that gets too little attention?
Which would surprise me, because not only queer people might have problems with gender roles and the associated expectations in connection with fashion. Every person who falls outside the norm of beauty, is disabled or has sensory issues should at least have dealt more deeply with fetish clothing. I, for example, know of a maximum of three online shops that sell sizes in XXXL and have no idea how to make latex or leather trousers for one-legged people or for people who sit in wheelchairs. Presumably, all of these people fall into the „custom-made“ category anyway, nevertheless, it would be nice if (kinky) people would at least talk about it. So let’s talk about problems that generally cross my path in connection with fetish clothing.
Financing
Kink outfits cost money, especially custom-made ones. Sure, good leather lasts forever and tailoring is definitely handicraft work that should be paid, but that doesn’t help poor people or people in training at university. If you only have a very tight monthly budget that you can dispose of freely, then even long savings plans are difficult or impossible to implement. Ebay or second-hand shops become a best friend, but only for those who want to spend the time and effort to stroll or browse online or offline on a regular basis. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, you can find things at flea markets or on Ebay, you should never search.
If I’m honest, to this day I’m not sure to what extent companies actually charge perverts extra just because an item of clothing is suddenly available in a sex shop.
Aesthetics
There is exactly one thing I am grateful to 50 Schades of Grey for: It has „socially allowed“ many cis women and provided a way for them to come to terms with their sexual fantasies and possibly turn them into reality. What I’m not grateful to 50 Schades of Grey for is that the series cemented a very particular aesthetic even more. Anything that doesn’t look red, black or gothic is already out of line. On the one hand, I can understand the inclination towards the specific aesthetic, because in general, kink, BDSM or fetishes continue to be associated with the demonic, dark, mysterious or wicked. More than that, vampires are simply sexy, I personally can’t and wouldn’t want to change that. On the other hand, I find the visual framing a little narrow-minded? By now there are enough vampires who no longer walk around in Victorian dresses or tails, and by now the kink communities have become so differentiated that Littles, Middles, Pups, Clowns and other groups definitely have more than three or two colours in their wardrobe.
Bodily Assets
Back to the topic of the body. Kink or sex parties are not a regular part of everyday life for many people and are rather something special. I would argue that many people dress up for such events and think about what they wear. In case of doubt, it’s clothes that make you feel good about your body and go hand in hand with a certain attractiveness.
In such moments, as a trans man pre-op, I can only laugh, because it feels like I can only lose. While in everyday life I can save myself on the worst days with straight jeans, a binder and a hoodie, it looks rather bad at kink parties. Unless I make an effort to actively hide my physical attributes, they show exactly one thing, that I am not a cis man. I have no problem with that in that I actually like my body. What I have more of a problem with is running the risk of having to come out to everyone I talk to. Unfortunately, coming out still comes with potential emotional strain and if there’s one thing I don’t like at parties, it’s additional emotional strain when I’m already in an environment that’s unfamiliar to me. Clothing options for cis men also fall flat:
– Harness? (May depend on the exact shape and which parts of the body it emphasises).
– Trousers or shorts that are penis accentuated? (I have neither a penis nor a packer… Especially as now a rhetorical question: Why the hell is so much male kink fashion focused on the penis?)
Add to that the aspect of „easy access“, who wants to half-change twice on the dance floor or before or after a scene just to straighten their outfit? I tend not to.
Dream a little dream
If I’m honest, it’s generally due to a lack of finances that I have to improvise something before every party. I have no shortage of inspiration, especially in this age of the internet. Ironically, I didn’t even need the internet. My mother had laid out enough fashion magazines with me as a young child, plus I had a very brief, very passionate phase for film and music posters, so my brain was soon looking to every imaginable genre for ideas.
Among them were the old Spaghetti Western posters from the Dollar Trilogy. I was sure I didn’t necessarily want to embody that kind of masculinity, but a pair of leather chaps was definitely sexy enough in my mind to add them to a long wish list. That being said, did Clint Eastwood or The Man with No Name ever wear leather chaps? I don’t know, until the day I sat brooding on the underground about fetish outfits, that question didn’t seem vital either.
David Bowie seemed like another good option, in the beginning… when I dug deeper into the material, I quickly realized no Bowie wasn’t a good option. Too much fabric and way too much volume for a crowded dance floor.
Vivienne Westwood was another icon that came to mind, but her style also turned out to be too avant-garde. I wouldn’t be able to walk in high heels, nor did I get the impression that kinky people were passionate lovers of deconstructed fashion.
For a few seconds, a very old band poster of Tokio Hotel flickered across my mind. But the second it entered my mind, I also pushed it away. No, memories of an unhealthy youth were not what I needed at the moment.
The last and (in my opinion) best option I found in Prince. We share the same height; I like his style and some of his outfits were flashy but at the same time not as experimental as Westwood’s creations. I could get something out of it…
As usual, I don’t know if there is a conclusion or a final thought. Maybe, organizations or groups should be aware of possible impairment that some people could face? Or that people should own their faults and try to do better? Or that kink is very much individual and shouldn’t follow any unwritten rules or fulfil any “common” expectation?