Shuddering, I drew my hands into the sleeves of my jacket. Here I was again, sitting at the river bank, watching the almost black water running over the stones, gurgling and bubbling. During all the time I lived here, this became my favorite place to sulk—letting my „inner child“ (that I have never grown out of, really) run freely and keeping an eye on it so it didn’t drown in the currents. Drowning as if something imagined was able to drown… but that was how I felt. Nobody had needed this, but to be fair, there are a lot of things in this world which nobody needs. Still, I had written one wrong sentence and with that caused an explosion of rage. My best friend was right—I should never become a diplomat. I had never planned on becoming one, but now I was crossing it out from the list of potential things I could maybe do or become one day. While I was thinking through all my options to fix this mess for the sixth time, I heard footsteps behind me. Startled, I turned around and saw a figure walking straight towards me. Great… Now really was the wrong time for an axe murderer coming for me.
„Ah, knew I would find you here.“, he said cheerful.
Grumpily, I sucked in air and puffed out my cheeks.
„That is not an appropriate greeting, young man.“
I stared at him.
He stared back and then leaned slightly towards me.
„Well, how about ‚Ah, nice to see you too. I appreciate you being concerned over me.“
After a couple of second he sighed… „Alright. How are you?“
„Bad.“
„Figured that much. Wanna tell me why?“
I grumbled again, not sure where to start…
„I did something stupid. And now I am facing the consequences of it and it truly sucks.“
My uninvited visitor sat down on the reclining bench next to me and put his feet up.
„Go on.“
At first I didn‘t. I wasn‘t keen on telling him the same story I went over and over in my head, bending and twisting it, in the hope that I had overlooked something. But no. I had to face it: I had fucked up.
„Well, did you ever say something that wasn’t entirely a serious answer and then somebody took it as one and then got angry?“
„No.“
„Well, good for you because I have.“
„Why are you not going to the person and telling them?“
„Too late… and by now the situation is too serious to make ‚jokes‘ about it.“
„Was it a joke?“
„No! I was just insecure, alone and had no idea what I should say… and I panicked and I was stressed and time seemed to matter. So I had to answer urgently and didn’t feel like being able to sleep a night over that problem…. I hoped that if I would propose something we could work out something together, and instead… well, I might have lost a potential friend.“
„And that is what’s bothering you?“
„Yes and no…“
„Go on.“
„No…“
„No? Why not?“
„Because it is selfish…“
„It is selfish to have feelings?“
„No. But it is selfish to self-center yourself even though you are the oppressor and part of the problem and not the victim.“
„Ah… but you are still sulking.“
„Yes.“
„Then stop sulking.“
I grumbled again. I didn’t want to stop. I sighed—why was this so hard?
„Well, maybe if you tell someone you will stop sulking. If I’m not the one, then so be it, but then find someone else…“
I expected him to get up and leave annoyed by my behaviour, but instead he just tilted his head back thinking.
Silence.
The longer the silence lasted, the more uneasy I became. Was his plan to say nothing until I told him more? I automatically furrowed my brow. Did I want to give him what he wanted from me? On the one hand, I wasn’t thrilled about giving in, but on the other hand, I partly agreed with him. I had to tell someone, and who better than someone who was freezing their butt off with you by a river in the darkest night? „Fine you got me… one person or maybe several… I don’t know for sure. Anyway, they accused me of taking sexual harassment lightly.“
For a second, I could have sworn a small smirk flickered over his face. Then he turned to me,“ Do you?“
„Fucking hell, no… but apparently it seemed like it… and now I don’t know how to fix it.“
„Apologize?“
„Already did.“
„Well, you can’t do too much about it. Because now the other person has to decide if they want to forgive you or if they can or even want to engage.“
„I know. Doesn’t make anything of this easier… It is just… I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like to be the oppressor. I don’t like to be the perpetuator of continuing systemic violence. You know what my biggest fear was and still is before I transitioned? That one day I will be one of these old white powerful men that don’t care about anything else than themselves and getting even more money… and now I am one.“
„No, you aren’t. You made a mistake, you care, and you want to fix it.“
„Yes, but do I want to fix it because I want to stop being upset or do I really care?“
„Can’t decide that for you… but my impression is that you aren’t that selfish.“
„No, I do indeed care and I really see where I fucked up. It is just… suddenly I realize how my world turned. Like, as if I am on another side… but also not quite there…. what hurts the most is that someone assumes I take this lightly. I don’t… it is just unfair. It is not like I or actually more like us hadn’t seen it coming. I mean… it was just a matter of time and now everyone makes a shocked Pikachu face after it happened. It is so frustrating. And the people who should actually be affected and interested in what they did (or did not do) in the past are no longer involved and therefore no longer have to take responsibility. It’s frustrating. At the same time, there are also people who helped to hold up the non-existing standards by not helping, and they are still not helping and just shrugging. Absolute indifference pisses me off.“ To emphasise my words I kicked a tiny stone down the steps. It rolled down the first step, then the second step through the grass before disappearing into the darkness. „It is like talking to a child. ‚Attention, the stove is hot, don’t touch it.‘ Several times and the child still touches the hot spot and burns themselves. But none of those who were involved were children, which makes it even worse. Plus the worst is, the ones who were affected ranted about the incident on social media. No names were named and everything was coded, but still. Another friend read it and liked it. And then I talked to them about it, because at least I intended to give a full picture of the situation… but they wanted to remain neutral and I respect that. Still, they appreciated that it was openly communicated… I told her I didn’t or we didn’t due to the pressure. And that we had way too few facts. I can emotionally understand why, I would have probably done the same… still. There is a part of me which feels betrayed by everyone. Like first your concerns don’t get taken seriously, then people don’t do the work, you do the work, then fuck up because I am human and I make mistakes and then I need to fix it which I am trying but arg… I am not the cause. At least I don’t feel like being…. But I am also sure, the other person also thinks they didn’t do anything wrong…“
„Sure, but let’s stay with you. Why do you feel betrayed?“, our eyes met.
„What do you think?“, I aksed him in the hope he would take over some of my emotional striptease.
To my disappointment, he just shrugged, „I have my suspicions, but at the end of the day, I’m not you. Only you know.“
I stared at him. Sometimes he really was a pan in the ass, a helpful one, I had to give him that, but still… damn him, „I feel like… as if womanhood had turned against me? Or at least all the other queers? It is not true… but it feels like it. It hurts when someone directly says to your face that you don’t take their sexual assault seriously… How can I take them not seriously? I didn’t live through 24 years of misogyny to just shrug if someone comes to me and gathers the strength to talk about the issue. My mom trained me in the evenings on how I could escape from a man when he grabs me from behind. She also trained me on how I can escape from under a man, how to fuck up cars if a man stalks me… I didn’t just get several times in my life a slap on my ass in public without ever figuring out who it was because the idiot disappeared into a crowd of people. One guy tried to pressure me into smoking weed with him, another guy just assumed we were together although he never asked me and just told everyone. In addition, I didn’t just read through the rape threats of a friend of mine with …18 and shrugged them off like nothing. I was pretty terrifyed back then.“
Silence again. Now it was really his turn to say something. I had absolutely no intention of revealing more of my feelings.
And again, he took his time. In the meantime, the wind had picked up, making the already cold air even colder. My teeth began to chatter, and I pulled my hands deep into my sleeves. My counterpart didn’t seem bothered by the temperatures. Thoughtfully, he scratched his chin and then took a sip from a bottle.
I frowned, „Uh, since when do you have that?“ And immediately came to mind. What was that about not talking again?
„Guess you should pay more attention to what your brain is doing in all areas instead of focusing on just one big ball of hurt.“
„You mean, I should stop sulking?“
„Yes and no. You still feel all the feelings through, which is good. You shouldn’t shut them down. You also called me, which is also good so that you aren’t entirely alone… but maybe talk to someone real.“
„You are real.“
„Someone with a physical form.“, the last two words he emphasized particularly clearly.
I had planned to, but now that you insist, I don’t feel like it anymore.
„Just to piss me off? Are we feeling dramatic again?“
I crossed my arms, pouting. „You can’t make me.“
„No. But I would appreciate you not hurting yourself. It will bubble up anyway sooner or later, hm?“
„Hm.“
„Is there anything else? You still seem… grumpy.“
„Well, it didn’t help that the whole thing heated up further on social media.“
Now he sighed.
„Yeah… the girlfriend of the person concerned vented her feelings; we suspect that she is also affected, but since no one is talking to us… we don’t know. Apart from that, the conclusion was: none of those affected (whether in the second or first row) have any specific requests for improvement… their dream would be to have an organization without cis men. Which is understandable but also strange. On the one hand, the person who caused everything was not cis, and the cis male organization had nothing to do with the whole thing that happened at the regulars‘ table.“
„And this upsets you?“
„Well, not so much the critique, because there are enough cis men who are part of the problem and just don’t do anything. I am upset that they implied that they don’t want to have cis men there. Which means, I will be immediately clocked as trans in the future… it reminds me hard of those women, lesbian, inter, non-binary, trans and agender circles. So yeah… I mean, I wouldn’t mind staying away from the gathering anyway, but hearing this from a fellow trans person sucks again. Like every media has such a hyperfocus on trans women—either they see them as sexual predators or as the most vulnerable group. And although the latter is true, it feels weird to get thrown under the bus. I feel like if I would write about my own personal experience on a bigger plattform, then social media would start yelling at me to shut the fuck up because trans women have it worse. I know that… and I wish they wouldn’t. No one deserves to suffer… okay, some perople really do, but that’s besides the point.“, my voice trailed off.
He nodded.
„Being invisible is sometimes really frustrating and makes me feel lonely. Yesterday S. asked me if I would help her set up her booth at the Christmas bazaar. I had of course agreed, until I found out that it takes place in the women’s center and I then asked her if I was even allowed in there and she had to look it up. Turns out: I’m not allowed in. Of course I totally understand and respect that, but at the same time it does hurt somehow? Because, sure, there are women’s shelters for a reason… but where should I go if I am ever threatened? This world suddenly feels very scary.“
„You know? Just because you feel it, feelings aren’t true. There are people who care about you. And you aren’t as invisible as you might think.“, he tried a reassuring smile, but even he couldn’t quite manage it.
My thoughts started spiraling again, „What about the prisons? I never planned to go to prison ever, but I am not sure about how cis men would treat a trans man if they found out.“
„I don’t know either, but this is also not your problem at the moment and not your problem to solve. Let’s stay in the here and now, do you have a plan? You always have a plan…“
„Waiting? Waiting for possible answers? Otherwhise, trying to create a safety system for all people that might attend our group in the future… maybe, I added ina secretive tone, we even might be able to remove the cause but not the symptom.“
Now he looked at me completely confused and raised an eyebrow, „Care to explain?“
„Sure, but first let us get going because I am done with freezing my ass off.“