It wasn’t so long ago that I really devoured everything on the subject of kink and sexuality. This included the podcast ‘Why Are People Into That?!’, also known as ‘Ya(P)->T?!’. Once a week, producer and sex worker Tina Horn interviewed her respective colleagues from the BDSM scene. Each episode focussed on one topic relating to sex, kink and gender. The best thing was that the podcast was not ashamed to address kinks, which even kinksters prefer to keep quiet about, such as cannibalism, fascism/Nazis, clowns, piss and poppers. But there were also episodes on erotica, trans porn, how sexy books can be or which BDSM comics people can recommend in the podcatcher. As you can imagine, I was a little sad when I had listened to all the episodes and realised that no new episodes were being produced. From my point of view, I still had a long way to go and the topics were far from exhausted.
But people move on, find other projects, and I didn’t have to wait long before I received the announcement that Tina Horn would be publishing her podcast as a book in the near future. I’ve been waiting eagerly ever since, and suddenly the time had come. The wait was partly worth it…

The actual meat

The book consists of nine chapters (plus Intro and Outro). Each chapter (similar to the podcast back then) deals with a main kink, which sometimes also functions as a hook, which Horn then uses to roll out and explain further topics.

In the first three chapters, Horn uses the more well-known kinks such as Feet, Impact Play or CNC as an introduction to possibly pick up the fresh meat of the kink scene and to discuss the basics of the BDSM scene. What does BDSM mean? What are misconceptions? What are the basic things to bear in mind when practising BDSM etc.? The CNC topic in particular serves to explain why communication, check-ins, consent models and yes-maybe-no lists are important.

After that, it quickly gets down to business. Six further chapters follow, in which the sex worker explains her relationship and the cultural significance of the following kinks in essay form: fisting, cash, cannibalism, sploshing, bimbofication and orgies. There are also explanations of vore, ageplay, mommy/daddy, fauxcest, sex parties, poly relationships, masturbation and porn.

To be honest, the book doesn’t really pick up speed until the fourth chapter. The basics are ticked off and Horn finally dives into the world of kink, without any additional explanations or comments on safety, but instead it’s finally all about kink and the cultural readings and interpretations of it. Only then does Tina Horn mention more colleagues and other publications that deal with the practice and cultural history of BDSM. If you’re as much of a book nerd as I am, you’ll be delighted with the many small footnotes and the final bibliography.

Each essay is fluid, the subdivisions that sometimes pop up sometimes come up a little short. What takes centre stage is narrative prose; the academic explanations with the help of Sigmund Freud, Judith Butler or Julia Kristeva are brief and provide more of a supplement than the focus of a chapter. Which, to be honest, I very much welcome, because the last thing I want to see in my kink and in a BDSM book is psychoanalysis (I have a deep aversion to it).

Nonetheless, the book isn’t perfect. I know that book titles, like blurbs, don’t necessarily have to come from the author themselves. Once the author submits the manuscript, the publisher will do everything possible to edit the book so that it sells well. Of course, the author can object, but in the end it’s the publisher who decides whether the book is published or not. In other words, the title of the book is completely misleading.

This book only deals with the US BDSM scene. Other continents or scenes such as in Germany or Japan do not appear and are not mentioned. What’s more, yes, the book only touches on psychoanalysis, while at the same time empirical studies on sex, kink and gender are missing, and anecdotal evidence is the unit with which the book works. On the one hand, it is understandable that a sex worker does not have the academic resources to administer various studies. However, as a really successful and established sex educator, she would have the social connections to possibly access them, provided they have been published. And even if there aren’t many studies on BDSM, they do exist. The fact that they are missing here is a shame and a waste of potential. (My personal go-to would be the Pubmed platform or the personal website of a sociologist called Slut, PhD whose studies deal with the topics of sex, gender and BDSM. If you still haven’t had enough, you can read up on TASHRA [The Alternative Sexualities Health Research Alliance] or even become active in the organisation yourself.)

Furthermore, the first three chapters really dragged on. I know that safety, consent etc. are important in the BDSM scene, but I would really like a kink book that doesn’t take me by the hand like a small child and explains the basics to me again in great detail. There is enough introductory literature for that.

All in all, the book is suitable for advanced beginners who would like to take a closer look at the subject of kink in their free time. For all humanities scholars who are also kinksters and thought that this would be their publication, I’m sorry to disappoint. You are really better off with the podcast of the same name. Nevertheless, it was enough for at least two new favourite quotes and because you’ve held out this far, you can read them now:

„Fetish is an aesthetic of intrigue. The fetishist obsesses. The fetishist experiments. The fetishist explores the limits of what the object of their desire can do when it is inserted, compressed, or drenched. The fetishist is driven to experience how their lust loses and maintains its form, in ways that are mundane but unexpected, like a foot pressed against a transparent windshield. But just because fetishists are interested in one thing, that doesn’t mean they’re indifferent to everything else.“

„Those of us who have never had access to those things love cash because it’s freedom we can touch and smell and stack. Interest rates and the price of gas and the promise of student loan forgiveness may fluctuate, but with cash stashed in your boot you can get at least some of what you need to survive another day. Maybe that’s how money can make us horny: by alleviating anxiety so that we can enjoy life for a moment.“

Book data:

• Author: Tina Horn
• Year of publication: 2024
• Publisher: Hachette Book Group, Inc.
• Language: English
• Number of pages: 320 pages
• ISBN: 978-0306832567

]]> https://barksandscales.com/2025/02/09/review-time-why-are-people-into-that-a-cultural-investigation-of-kink-by-tina-horn/feed/ 0 https://barksandscales.com/2025/01/02/232/ https://barksandscales.com/2025/01/02/232/#respond Thu, 02 Jan 2025 09:02:18 +0000 https://barksandscales.com/?p=232 Another hobby of mine are (audio) books, enjoy my intellectual diarrhoea on the heard or printed word (this list will be updated over time)

Non-fiction book

– Ever Since Darwin: Reflections in Natural History by Stephen Jay Gould

Queer content

Chapter 3 – Like, wanting and learning

During chapter two I got the impression that getting or being sexually aroused is based on a wibbly wobbly homeostasis of feelings and circumstances. Nagoski calls this: Context.

It is not very likely that one is getting aroused while repairing a leak under a sink. It is much more likely to get into a sexy mood while being kissed and cuddled by a partner (or partners) you trust or care about. Maybe I’m wrong about this, but even hardcore kinky people will prefer doing a scene with someone who knows their boundaries and proved as trustworthy in the past than with a complete newbie in the local scene. How does context come into being? On the one hand, through trial and error, and on the other hand, through the three components: Liking, wanting and learning. Nagoski also calls it “one ring to rule them all” (p. 82–88). So, how does it work?

Liking: If the brain receives a new stimulus, it will ask a thousand of questions. Does this count as a threat? Is that enjoyable? Do I want to have more or less of it? As the designation „liking“ gives it away, it is all about the good things in new stimuli. As soon as something turns out bad, it shuts down or activates the fight, flight or freeze cycle.

The next step consists of “learning”. it is actually “about what should come next” (p. 83).  Nagoski differentiates between implicit and explicit learning. Explicit learning is if we learn a new (hard) skill for example driving a bicycle, embroidery, or flogging. Implicit learning is more about soft skills. Recognizing emotional and erotic cues that prepare you for what should come next. What you find erotic or pleasurable is (was) also the responsibility of „learning“.

“Wanting” is what Nagoski calls “fuel” (p. 83–84). It enables one to move towards an enjoyable stimulus or it can trigger the flight, fight, freeze, or fawn mode. It is also possible to like things without wanting more or to want something even without liking it. I am sure most masochists will agree at this point (at least I do to a certain extent).

Chapter 4 – Complete the stress cycle

Both chapter 2 and 3 focused on external influences, but what to do when your emotions or thoughts don’t go the way you want them to? Take me for example, if I am stressed out from work or just from having a bad day I am usually not up for sexy times. At least not immediately…  it takes some time and moreover work to get me or myself out of the fight-flight-freeze or fawn mode and into relaxation. If I don’t do the work, I get stuck physically and mentally. The symptoms are varied and all unpleasant: poor sleep, brain fog, intrusive thoughts, bad memory… it continues with irritability, indifference, and finally hopelessness. In short, my depression gets much worse.

In the past, I have noticed that massages are often the right way for me to relax and therefore to get out of the tension… Yoga, exercise, a warm shower, or cuddling are also very good options, as is telling me about the day with all the potential pitfalls I might have run into. Both my body and my brain relax and realize: Hey, we are safe now! There is no more threat left that could possibly harm us. In the best case, this leads to my sexual excitation system (SE) responding and my sexual inhibition system (SI) shutting down. Guide or later this leads to the „great context“ and I am able to enjoy hugs and kisses again. If no one is around I will just collapse on my bed and fall asleep, which is also a great context because my body and brain also get to relax… just differently.

Does Kink work in a similar way? As far as I am informed a lot of kinky people describe BDSM as therapeutic. That doesn’t mean that kink is able to replace therapy, but it seems to be a solid substitution. Which makes sense when you think about it. One of the „basic mechanisms“ of BDSM is first to create a safe environment, then to create tension(s) and finally to release them… I think a social environment in which at least the importance of communication is perceived has a great advantage. If boundaries and triggers are communicated, it could be much easier for the affected person to find healthier ways to deal with their issues.

Chapter 6 – Arousal Nonconcordance

Arousal Nonconcordance or „why significant others should definitely talk to each other“, but again let’s start from the beginning. Arousal Nonconcordance is one of those things that exist as a theory for far longer than people outside of Sexology would expect. Which I personally don’t understand, because it is an important scientific explanation. It refers to the fact that for some people their genital response doesn’t match their arousal.

The first studies documenting this fact date back to the late seventies and early eighties. The two studies that Nagoski is referring you can find here (Suschinsky et al.) and here (Bradford and Meston).

In the first, homo- and heterosexual men and fully-medical transitioned trans women watched a varied selection of pornographic material, during which their genital responses were measured as well as „subjective arousal“ (p. 191). The result: only 50 % of the physical arousals actually made men feel aroused. For cis women (homo- and heterosexual), it was only 10 %. Looking at the big picture, this is not necessarily a large percentage for either gender. Fortunately, there is at least one solution for every „arousal mismatch“. If the partner doesn’t feel like having sex, then you don’t. If your partner wants to have sex, but your body refuses to play along, try a massage, cuddling naked (build up the excitement) or using lubricant.

As a conclusion to this chapter, I would have liked this statement to have become much more prominent much earlier. There are many reports from sexual abuse survivors that their rapists thought they enjoyed the abuse because either the vagina became wet, or the penis became stiff. Which sooner or later becomes a nasty thinking trap. You didn’t want it, you didn’t enjoy it, but apparently, you did, otherwise your body would have clearly signaled that it didn’t want it either.

Chapter 7 – desire/responsive desire

• Let’s do a short repetition of chapter two:
• The accelerator (sexual excitation system [SE]) and the first units of breaks (of your sexual inhibition system [SI]) scan the environment for stimuli why (not) to be aroused
• Some accelerators are more stubborn than others. The solution for getting them going is creating the right context.

People whose pleasure depends on the right context have a “responsive desire”. Even more, they are getting turned on while foreplay is already happening. People whose pleasure is suddenly there, even though they are just walking across the street is called “spontaneous desire”. Both desires are again context-dependent and linked to the brakes and accelerator system. None of them is wrong or abnormal and if someone lacks desire, you should sit down and talk about the changes that you could do so that everyone involved is happy again and wants to have sex, be kinky or do other kinds of activities. Since Nagoski defines desire as “pleasure in context” (p. 221) I think you can apply the principle of sitting down and talking, when one has the feeling that they are missing something on all topics.

• The last (very) important thing that I learned, and never thought about before that what we know as “sex drive” isn’t a drive. Although, lifestyle magazines and some corners of the internet love talking, about how important sex is for the body and soul nobody ever died of having no sex. There are many people in this world that rarely or never had sex in their lives for very different reasons. To name a few: Discrimination, asexuality, sex repulsion, celibacy or medical conditions. Instead, people died because of starvation or because they were lonely. But sex and loneliness are two entirely different things, consequently, I would suggest replacing the „sex is important“ with „emotional intimacy, understanding, care, security“.

What did I like?

• Of course, the information in this book. Especially Nagoski really does a broad overview of every potential problem that people have to deal with and no one talks about. Let’s be real since 2017 the topics of sexuality and gender entered the mainstream discourse. What is more fascinating, is that although magazines are reporting and talking about queerness, a lot of sexualities, kinks or new relationship models fewer people write about actual (queer) sex.
• Also, the author gets a lot of plus points for adding a whole appendix with footnotes, notes, literature references, and even more scientific studies.
• The last point is not really a criticism, although maybe a little? If you read the book, it’s very binary, you should be prepared for that. Personally, at some point I started to rearrange sentences for myself in my head. It worked surprisingly well.

What did I dislike? 

• Nagoski loves metaphors and uses them (too) much. While her example of brakes and accelerator pedals was still useful for the Accelerator and Brake System, others quickly became annoying. I don’t need the third interpretation of my body as a shower or a garden, nor do I need the longer paragraphs created by these superfluous metaphors.

 What is Come As You Are about?

The shortest version I can come up with would be: this book explains the science behind (good) sex. A more elaborate version would be: this book gives you tools to improve your sex life by explaining the psychology behind the sexual part of your brain in a more pop cultural manner and since this is a challenging task Nagoski divided her book into nine chapters. Each one of them deals with a possible problem that more often turns people’s sexual or romantic lives upside down. Here is a broad overview:

Chapter 1 – Biological homology of our genitalia
Chapter 2 – The Brakes and Accelerator System
Chapter 3 – Liking, wanting and learning
Chapter 4 – Complete your stress cycle!
Chapter 5 – Living a sex-positive life in a sex-negative society
Chapter 6 – Arousal non concordance
Chapter 7 – Spontaneous desire and responsive desire
Chapter 8 – Orgasms and how to
Chapter 9 – Sex-positive context

Since I got the most out of chapters 1–4 and chapters 6–7, I will focus on these. But before we get to the actual meat, a bit more about the foundation of my post.

In addition to the scientific theory Nagoski created four women that are “composites, integrating the real stories of the many women I’ve taught, talked with, emailed, and supported in my two decades as a sex educator” (p. 7). Each of them has at least one conflict in their sex life to grapple with, which the book also talks about. They serve as very detailed examples of how to deal with different sexual needs and desires while being and wanting to maintain an established relationship. I personally find the latter important to emphasize, because the author presupposes for her examples partners, who respect each other, can communicate, and love each other. Maybe it is too obvious, but the best therapist in the world can do nothing if a person is not cooperating. Here a short overview: 

• Olivia and Patrick – Olivia gets aroused very fast if she is stressed out by something even more. Her boyfriend Patrick is the exact opposite. Since his libido decreases with stress, they ended up with the problem of a so-called “chasing dynamic” (p. 235).
• Camilla and Henry – Camilla used to be very sensitive to sexual cues and stimuli. After years of marriage, her sensitivity changed and is now much more robust. So robust to the point that she gets annoyed when she tries to make dinner and Henry tries to kiss her…
• Merritt and Carol – Merrit doesn’t trust her own body. She wants sex, but she doesn’t, but she does. Merrit wants to enjoy sex again for herself.
• Laurie and Jonny – Married couple, lovely son, everything could be so perfect if it weren’t for Laurie’s stressful life and body issues that kill her lust. Laurie doesn’t know what else to do and Jonny just wants to help.

For the record: I got the English version from 2015, I don’t know what has changed from the version that came out in 2021. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find out either, because all the reading samples or other platforms through which one could get books didn’t show what I needed. Although it is nice that the book got completely translated into German, the German translation of the title is way less catchy then the English one and also misleading, so I want directly reference it here.

Another point that I wanted to talk is, that this book deals at least in this version with cis bodies and cis gendered people. Intersex people are touched upon as a topic, but it is mainly tailored to the sexuality and sexual problems of cis women. Nevertheless, it worked for me, because I think the core theses are transferable to any gender or body. Furthermore, women’s bodies are already neglected in sex education, and this disadvantages not only women but also men. When two people are overwhelmed with a situation, it never turns out well, even worse when neither of them knows a solution because no one ever taught them. Therefore, dear cis men, this post is also for you.

What did I exactly learn?

Since my sex education in school was acceptable. I knew at least the basics of the basics of safe sex, hormone cycle of a cis woman’s body and anatomy of bodies (even intersex ones). What we didn’t talk about was how much we were still missing on every side of the spectrum. I’m probably not the only one, which is why there is a kind of master post here. 

Chapter 1 – Biological Homology of our genitalia  

• Let’s start with a bit of simple (devastating) etymology. Back in ancient times Aristotle wrote his “Masterpiece”, which later got translated into Latin and from then on doctors and physicians used it as a scholarly text. In those ones, the external genitalia of cis women is called “pudendum”. It comes from the verb “pudere”, which translated to “to make ashamed” (p. 16–17). Lovely right? If you interpret it further, to make sense of it all “pudendum” means “from the shamefacedness that is in women to have them seen” (p. 17). The best part is that “pudendum” is still a daily used term within the medical sector.
• The next thing that I learned, was that the distance between the clitoris and the urethra predicts how reliably orgasmic a cis woman is during penis-in-vagina intercourse… Now I am asking myself: What is the percentage of cis women who have exactly this distance? I don’t know, the book doesn’t mention it and honestly, I don’t think the percentage is particularly large. Besides, I would have liked to learn that in the anatomy section of our sex education. Even the two seminars that were organized by external organizations didn’t say a word about it.
• The same applies to the issue of the homology of our primary sexual organs. I remember how, during a break at school, a friend told me that embryos did not have distinct sex organs until the sixth week and that boys and girls, therefore, had the same genitals. For me at the time, this was a rather weird, but somewhere logical reality. Especially since her mother was the only surgical assistant I knew and was therefore a thousand times more qualified than me. The actual scientific explanation is of course a bit more complex, but I enjoyed reading it nonetheless:

To begin with, what are „homologues“? Answer: “Homologues are traits that have the same biological origin, though they may have different functions. Each part of the external genitalia has a homologue in the other sex. (p. 20)” The simplest example would be fraternal twins, one has XX chromosomes and the other XY. After the hormones have been released, the embryo with the XY chromosomes develops the penis, testicles and scrotum. On the other hand, the embryo with XX chromosomes does not react to these hormones and the genitalia remain clitoris and labia.

During (vanilla) intercourse, either the clitoris or the penis are often stimulated, simply because they are THE pleasure organs par excellence. Labia and scrotum, on the other hand, are almost boring, they only get hairy if you don’t shave them. Which can be a plus or a minus, depending on your taste. In contrast, nipples are more exciting again… Nobody is surprised by the fact, that most  cis women are able to breastfeed… what most people don’t know trans women are also able to do that!

Chapter 2 – The brakes and accelerator system

• The second chapter was one of my favorites, mainly because it was completely new and above all useful knowledge. At the same time, I facepalmed myself a little while reading it, because neuroscience had never been my strong suit and reading about it in English didn’t simplify the subject. Well, we all grow with our tasks… and because it is so incredibly interesting what happens in the brain when we are (not) getting  aroused, here is my summary of the “dual control model of sex”. It consists out of two parts:

The first part is the sexual excitation system (SE) and the second part is the sexual inhibition system (SI). The sexual excitation system is our fiber optic cable for sexual response. It unconsciously scans our environment for reasons why getting aroused immediately is a good idea. Those reasons are often sensory stimuli, but can also be thoughts or feelings. It catalyses and indicates the premise of how quickly and how much we can potentially be aroused.

The sexual inhibition system does the exact opposite, it is looking for potential threats or reasons why you shouldn’t be aroused. Two different brake units are responsible for this. The first checks incoming sensory impressions for negative consequences. How confidential does the potential sexual partner seem? Are condoms or licking cloths within reach? Is body hygiene correct? etc. If one of the questions is answered in the negative, the plug is pulled and neither the body nor the brain has a chance to become aroused.

The second unit of breaks acts more like a very slow internet connection or an overloaded server. Everyone knows the situation, you want to stream a film in the evening, but of course you are not the only person, and it takes forever to load. In other words, one will eventually get aroused, but it takes incredibly long. Why? According to Nagoski the second unit of breaks gets pulled if the individual is distressed by the actions in this exact moment. This includes, above all, the entire area of „performance pressure“: Premature ejaculation, no able to orgasm, poor body image. The possibilities of feeling sexual inadequate are endless…

The big secret behind healthy sexual functioning is finding the balance for all three units: the one accelerator and the two breaks. In other world stimulate the accelerator hard and try not to trigger the breaks, which is a lot harder than it sounds in theory. It gets even harder, because everybody is different, so everyone must find out for themselves what they need and how much. The needs of the sexual system can change throughout life, but all in all the tendency remains the same.

What does it mean to have a sensitive accelerator and hardly any breaks you may ask yourself? Well, if one is not aware of how their body is working, these people are more likely to engage more often in risky sexual acts. Having sensitive breaks and a very stubborn accelerator does the opposite. These people are likely to have issues with low desire or difficulties getting aroused. Regardless of how much and how strong the stimuli now have to be for you personally to get in the mood, mental health also has a say in the end.

With the help of questionnaires, two studies (Lykins et al. 2010 and Janssen et al. 2012) showed that 50.5 % of cis women, who were in a depressed mood experienced a decrease in their libido, 9.5 % increase and 40 % no change. 34 % of women in an anxious state reported a decrease in their libido 23 % an increase and 43 % no change. Cis men were less affected by their mental health regarding their libido, if depressed 35 % stated a decrease, 10 % an increase, and 55 % no change. If anxious 17 % of them felt a decrease, 25 % an increase, and 58 % no change (p. 329).

• What about people, who rarely or don’t experience sexual attraction at all? For a few words about asexuality, I had to flip through the book, but at the end, I found an insightful footnote. Asexual people may have a very resistant accelerator, which means that asexual people tend not to notice sexual stimuli in the first place. Unfortunately, research does not yet know more, as there are still very few studies on this topic.

Usually I have mixed feelings about blurbs, much like trailers they reveal far too much about the story or absolutely nothing at all. Fortunately, parts of this introduction are so much better for describing the vibe of this book:

„This is not a book of reasons not to kill yourself. No matter how many I could come up with, you’ll come up with more reasons to go through with it. This is a book about things to do instead.” – p. 17

This little thing went on my shelf with certain ulterior motives. To me, the title sounded like a good life insurance policy for when I’m in a deep hole again and neither therapy nor friends are within reach. I needed it faster than I would have liked and therefore I can say: My ulterior motives were right: It is a good life insurance, in two parts.

The first part of the book is a nearly 60-page autobiographical essay about identity, sexuality, desire, bullying, being considered a freak/problem, and a (very) short ride through queer history in America. The second part is the education and explanation of the 101 alternatives that you should do instead of killing yourself. The big gimmick at the end: an index of all 101 options that uses symbols to rate severity, safety and effectiveness of each alternative.

When I first skimmed the list, I looked up the severity rating for „ask someone for help“ and to my satisfaction it was rated as „difficult“. That was the moment I knew the book had been the right decision. Although the sheer existence of an autobiographical essay put me off at first. I just haven’t had a good experience with them. Many are cautionary and even more of them don’t really add value. Kate Bornstein’s is not one of them.

What makes it so different? For one thing, it reads (very) honestly and for another, it speaks a language and with metaphors that I finally „emotionally understand“. It has helped to learn in therapy from concepts like the „inner child“ or treatment methods like „schema therapy“ or the “Internal Family Systems Model”. What has also helped is learning to feel what the body needs or that „doing nothing“ often means that I am very much doing something, even though it may not be physical. Every now and then there are still days when nothing helps. It feels like therapy never happened and all sorts of „things“ that could help distract me have either been forgotten or don’t work. I call these days „rage“ or „pain days“ because even the famous

“I’ve become so numb
I can’t feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I’m becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you”

quickly turns into anger or rather aggression for me. In short: Fight or Flight, which my physical body then likes to turn into „freeze“. Sentences like „It’s okay that you feel angry“, do help in the regards that I don’t feel worse, but they also don’t make me feel better. Once the anger is there, it has to go somewhere…

„I’ve been killing off the parts of myself that need to die and making lots of room for all the parts of me that are beautiful and kind and life affirming? Over the years I’ve learned that the urge to kill myself isn’t bad or wicked. Its scary but not a signpost. It takes a long time to hone yourself down to the you that you’ve always believed you could be.” – p. 76

The first time I read the passage, I thought that’s sounds…. a bit harsh and then I read it again and again.  On the fourth time I realised that I understand this picture of self-love and love of life much better than the approach of many others: Drinking tea, watching feel-good series, getting favourite blanket, eating chocolate. I wish everyone these things, if they actually help you. They gave me little, I didn’t know what was missing, but something was missing…. Maybe it’s a certain kind of effective power both metaphorically and emotionally. Watching feel-good series or yoga often feel very passive to me. When I’m angry I want to get out, move around and if that’s not an option at least ruin my wax crayons, performing a cord cutting ritual or burning pieces of paper, on which I wrote bad things. Who said that the state of the art can’t be living the controlled chaos. Isn’t that one of the foundations of life?

Another aspect I liked about her „essay“ was her approach to the alternatives. I can’t hear the sentences „…but look on the bright side“ or „Have you ever thought about that…?“ anymore. Most of the time, in fact, I will truthfully answer „Yes, I did and no it didn’t help.“ At least for conflicts on an interpersonal basis, I couldn’t get the passage out of my head:

“I think, instead, we should try something like this: ‘Excuse me… I hope I’m not interrupting’ […]  ‘I find you fascinating and so different from me. Might I ask you what your life’s been like? I think we could learn something from each other.’ – p. 56

It is one of those sentences that say in a structured and meaningful way exactly what I feel but cannot express. They help me especially with the people on the street, where I am never sure if they are sad or lost. Are these people at a crossroads that will change their lives or have they lost their potential to change and their personality is set in stone at 28 already?

The honesty in the essay is also reflected in the alternatives… The first dozen are the alternatives that every sufferer should really try, such as asking someone for help, calling the helpline, talking to friends, finding a therapy place. The further you read, the more colourful the mix becomes, from „Throwing away morals“, to „Be afraid. Be very afraid“ to suggestions that are really dangerous and tend to be more in the area of “being immoral”. The only rule that has top priority here would be „Don’t be mean“. The extent to which one can interpret this directive is proven by the subreddit „Am I the asshole?“, but I think the larger context becomes clear. Putting other people at risk with your own behaviour sucks, don’t do it. Don’t be the asshole. Instead try this alternative:

“2. I choose a better feeling and put it in motion.

I’m not talking about finding a way to feel happy. I’m talking about finding a way to feel better than the way you feel right now. Happy/sad is a binary that mostly keeps us stuck in sad. […] So, in this step, I look for a feeling that is closer to happy than where I am at the moment.” – p. 90

On the first glance it looks pretty basic, it is probably pretty basic, I still needed this book to get what my therapist meant, when she said, “Anything that helps, however brief the moment, is good. Continue.” In my world, an alternative or coping mechanism was pointless exactly when they didn’t help.

“I made the effort to humanise myself and meet a friend and during that I felt better too, but as soon as I was back home I felt as miserable as before…. that coping mechanism is a scam, it didn’t help me through the entire day! Worse, it didn’t cure my depression…“ – my past brain

When I tried to explain the idea to my therapist, she looked at me uncomprehendingly. In the meantime, I know that it’s about the moment and it’s about not forgetting positive feelings like happiness, joy or being understood. It’s about learning to imagine another world or possibilities in which the world is not always black, but it’s also not possible to live in paradise.

To what extent the book benefits or not from the brief treatment of American queer history, I am not able to say. It makes the message that queer people have been around far longer than conservatives would like us to know read more smoothly, emotionally it makes no difference to me.

I’ve thought long and hard about ever recommending a self-help book or a guidebook…. Simply because I have a problem with most of the self-help or self-care industry. Health cannot be solved by buying objects, nor can it be solved by a 14-day programme in which you are persuaded that you can do anything if only you believe strongly in it. In short, health is not a commodity…. and Hello, Cruel World – 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks & other Outlaws reads like the author knows that too. At the same time, I can say that this book is certainly not for everyone. Most likely it is not even for everyone who has had mental health problems. It is blunt, it has a lot of very dark humour and if I think about my old classmates, even the ones I was friends with would absolutely be freaked out by this book.